| I actually have been able to come to the realization AND the ability to say out loud to my friends and my family that my life is unpleasing to me right now. It is unfulfilling. I am lonely. My life has not been this way for years, so I don't really know what to do with all of this free time, all of this loneliness and boredom. I'm not used to it. I'm used to being surrounded by a whirlwind of friends and schedules, work to do, and people to please. I have always thrived on being overbooked, then found myself crashing from the pressure of never having a moment to breathe. At the beginning of this change, last fall, I was thankful for it. I told myself that perhaps this era of my life would be healthy for me; a chance to finally see how other people live. How other people don't overbook themselves, don't have every minute scheduled with friends, work and what is next on the calendar. From middle school onward my mom was amazed at how I could not stop moving, could not find a moment's rest and sit quietly. I suppose that society's guidance and now somewhat innate impression upon people my age is that we are to move, constantly. Go for the best, be the best, work hard. My mom called me a social butterfly. She asked me to stay in once in a while stating that there was nothing wrong with taking a night off. Now I am practically forced to take nights off due to no plans or of nothing being offered to me that sounds good enough to get me to leave my apartment.
I'm tired. I've been tired for two years. I'm tired of feeling tired. I'm tired of wasting my time. I'm tired of living in any sense of uncertainty about what is next. I used to have my weekends planned out--often planned out for me. Now I don't have my weekends planned out, or my career, or my future. I guess ultimately, I am tired of being 23 and being tired. It's not how I'm meant to be. I pray for energy, joy in the uncertainty, and peace now. My pastor explained that peace isn't something we can have in the future, but it is offered to us now. Christ said "My peace I leave with you, my peace I give to you." (john 14:27). He didn't say he will one day give it to us. We have it now.
Loneliness is a very strange and a very real thing. I find myself cringing at the thought of admitting to anyone that I feel lonely. That I am admitting a weakness. I certainly struggle with admitting weaknesses to people--not all weaknesses, but some. I never want anyone to think I don't have it together, or that I am a dork who does not have friends who feels lonely. Thanks to Donald Miller and Adam (you know, from Eden), I have learned that loneliness is real, and Adam experienced it. God provided Eve, and God will provide for me as well. I know that in the meantime, I am called to do the Lord's work. I am called to fill this void with the Lord, while acknowledging my aching need for relationships, but rely on Him to get me through to see His promises fulfilled.
Living in the world, with all of its pain, painful people, mean people, corrupted business practices, false fillers of voids, and shallow words definitely makes it hard to act like Christ. I am surrounded by this world 8 hours a day, 5 days a week. Without God, this world slowly eats at my faith, my values, and my desire to fight. I lose all weapons and strength and slowly crumble. I don't believe this is what God has called me to do in this world he placed me in. If I truly found my value and identity in Him and in nothing else, I would have nothing to fear. On days where I feel so strong in the Lord and I am completely confident in Him, I walk differently. I speak with confidence and truth that usually comes out in stutters and uncertainty to people who intimidate me.
In a sense, I feel this loneliness is almost a bit romantic. And I think that this is probably a huge part of God's plan and equation for me. Never in the past few years have I felt alone on this earth. I have been surrounded by friends and family every minute of every day. I didn't even have time to consider the meaning of the word "lonely." But now, as I sit here alone, night after night, not finding fulfillment in my job, in a boyfriend, in friends or in my talents, I naturally draw toward God and begin to find my fulfillment in Him. I am his bride, his sheep, his daughter. How can I be all of those things to the creator of the gigantic sky, and yet feel like I do not matter? I suppose this realization causes me, painfully, to find out that I have been finding my acceptance in being someone's friend, girlfriend, or being someone who is good at something. When I don't have those things, I get lonely. If we only found our acceptance as a bride, sheep, and daughters...If we only believed more promises.
As I wait, as I shed tears of loneliness for all of the things in my life that are not matching up, I know that I am waiting for something. One day something will come knocking at my door. One day I will be swept off of my feet. One day I will witness babies being born and people dying. Life is not stagnant. God making me wait like this is making me excited about my future, about what is to come. It's all very romantic, knowing that this amazing God has something up his sleeve.
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